


Nothing Much

by kawada_s



Category: Battle Royale - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 06:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10961457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawada_s/pseuds/kawada_s
Summary: After all, Mitsuko and Noriko had been nothing much, and that was all they ever would be.





	Nothing Much

Nothing Much

High school hadn’t really been in Mitsuko Souma’s plans, but she’d ended up there anyway. With how everything had gone so off-script towards the end of junior high, she figured she may as well shock herself again and actually stay on. What was she going to do anyway if she left? Nothing. She still probably was going to end up doing nothing, but at least now she had a few more years occupied before she spent the rest of her life doing pretty much nothing – or at least, nothing important. Mitsuko was okay with that. Contrary to what most people believed, she didn’t really consider herself that important.

Her name didn’t carry the same weight it did in high school. After losing Hirono and Yoshimi, the former telling her to go to hell and quickly slipping herself into a new crowd, the latter moving across the country and deciding to sever ties, she had faded into the background. It wasn’t too bad, really, and she didn’t even miss them, just what they were able to do for her. She could manage on her own – she just had to pull a few more strings, do a bit more work. Nothing much.

For the majority of the tenth grade, she had slipped herself into Tadakatsu and Yuichiro’s group, having lunch with the duo and sitting with them in class, but she could tell she never really fit in with them. Yuichiro didn’t seem to mind having her around, but it was obvious Tadakatsu just wanted her to get out of their faces. After they began dating towards the end of the year it became painfully obvious that even Yuichiro had gotten sick of her being around, and she decided it was time to leave them be. She never sat with them again. Considering the fact they never looked for her, she figured they didn’t miss her at all.

Yuichiro was polite. It was just how he was, like now, as he passed her in the hallway and waved to her. It was a sympathy wave, but she still gave him one back. Tadakatsu still pretended that she didn’t exist, as expected, but he was the thing she missed the _least_ about those tenth grade lunchtimes. His attention was more focused on the jocks as he approached, quickly becoming part of the group. He didn’t sit with them, preferring to keep to just him and Yuichiro, but watching them now, it was as if they were inseparable.

As she walked by, Mitsuko couldn’t help but listen in, just for something to do. These days, she always seemed like one of the last people to know about school gossip. It made her feel absolutely pathetic, but what could she do? No one gossiped with the school losers.

“There’s gonna be a party this Friday night, after the basketball game,” one of them said. It was someone from junior high, she knew that much, due to being able to recognise the voice, but it wasn’t anyone that she’d bothered to learn the name of. She stopped to keep listening, playing it off as getting a text message if anyone saw her. She doubted anyone would ask any questions whether they noticed her or not – people thought of her so little these days that they’d probably all forgotten about being suspicious of her.

 _A party, huh?_ Mitsuko thought to herself. That was something that she hadn’t done in forever – well, at least two years tops, maybe. The place would be filled with basketball idiots and their adoring fans, but alcohol could help block out anything else. It had potential. Her Friday night was empty, and spending another one alone at home seemed like torture. Fade into the background, get some free drinks, it seemed like a decent enough idea. These things were usually things the whole school were invited to.

“Yeah. It’ll be great,” as she tuned back into the conversation, a voice she recognised much better filled her ears. Another person from junior high, with a name that high school hadn’t let her forget. Shuya Nanahara. He was the least hateable person on the planet, but every time she saw him she still had the desire to punch him in the face. _Maybe then he’ll stop fucking smiling for once._

It was so stupid to hate Shuya with the intensity that she did, especially considering the fact he had never done a thing to her – hell, she didn’t think they’d ever even talked – but her feelings remained. Sure, Shuya, the most annoying person in school would be at the party, but that wasn’t going to be enough to deter her from going to the party. He’d be the centre of attention, she’d be in the background. All she’d have to do would be find a good spot and she wouldn’t have to see his face or hear his voice all night.

“I’m hosting this time. I don’t think most of you have been to my house before, but I think you’ll like it. It’s nice,” another voice she knew all too well. When she heard it, she immediately put her phone away and went to get a move on, but forced herself to appear as if nothing had bothered her. Noriko Nakagawa was hosting the party, which meant most definitely that she would be there… and she wouldn’t be able to avoid speaking to her either.

That should have been enough of a deterrent to stay at home, have another lonely, pathetic Friday night. On the surface, it was, her scrapping the idea, deciding that being alone would be better than having to actually speak to Noriko again, but deep down, she still wasn’t too sure. Deep down, she wanted to go, wanting it more than ever now that she knew Noriko would be there. She’d always had a habit of punishing herself in one way or another.

Before turning the corner, Mitsuko looked back one more time. Panic set in when she locked eyes with Noriko for a moment, the girl giving her the smallest hint of a smile. Mitsuko didn’t return it, turning back with no more hesitations, deciding it would be best to follow her first instinct – getting the hell away.

\---

Since leaving Tadakatsu and Yuichiro, the majority of Mitsuko’s school days ended in the gym. Today was no different. She dragged herself up the stands and found herself a seat up the back, leaning her head against the cold brick wall. Like most days, she was the only person not on the basketball team that was here. Sometimes their girlfriends, boyfriends or friends showed up, but usually towards the end. Mitsuko went unnoticed, as per usual. She figured that if they’d ever noticed her at all, they must consider her part of the furniture by now.

Why did she even come here? It had just happened once, a small day of weakness in the lonely period between leaving Tadakatsu and Yuichiro and becoming accustomed to her new role as a nobody, then becoming a cycle. It was just a way to pass the hours before heading home. She didn’t like any of the basketball guys, and the gym wasn’t the nicest place to be, but she kept coming back day after day.

Deep down, she wondered if the only reason she did it was because sometimes, she’d get to see a glimpse of Noriko when she came in towards the end of practice. It was so ridiculous that Mitsuko almost laughed it off, but she kept her laughter to herself, not wanting to potentially attract any attention to herself. Why would she _want_ to see Noriko after everything that happened, anyway?

As practice began, the sound of a whistle piercing her ears, she dug through her bag for her sketchbook and pencils, the way she usually passed the hours while sitting at practice. As a young child, she’d had the fascination that most children did with drawing, scribbling messes that they thought looked like masterpieces, and the interest remained as she got older, as the other children moved on when they realised that they weren’t any good at it. She’d slowly but surely been filling the pages for the past few years, mainly at practice, the skidding of shoes and thump of the ball on the hard floor her background noise, and she’d even go as far as to say that she was _proud_ of a few of them.

Her interest in art was something she kept to herself, however. No one would ever understand that she actually had a genuine interest in the topic, and would probably find it a source of humour in it more than anything. Art was one of the few things that no one had managed to ever take from her, and she was determined to keep it that way. The thought of meeting someone she trusted enough to show these things was absolutely laughable.

She hadn’t even shared it with Noriko.

The thought of Noriko made her think of the party again, and in an effort to try and block it out of her mind, she quickly began working on her latest project. It was a bad idea, considering how it tied into the whole _Noriko_ thing, but her mind was clear as soon as she started drawing. The drawing of the girl in the rain, taking up almost exactly half of the page, face filled with anguish, was probably one of her favourite things she’d ever done, despite how much it hurt to look at.

Blocking the world out worked until the voice of Shuya echoed around the room. The desire to snap her pencil in half was the most prominent thing on her mind, but she instead reached for the eraser, running her fingers over the soft rubber as she corrected the sudden mark she’d made upon hearing his grating voice. Fucking Shuya. He was the absolute worst part of hanging around at basketball practice every damn day, even though he hadn’t done anything at all.

“I suppose we can take a break for a minute,” while she knew she shouldn’t, as it would only succeed in irritating her further, she tuned into the conversation. Shutting her book and placing it down beside her, she stared down at the team, continuing her trend of making mistakes. She rolled her eyes when she saw the team all swarming around Shuya, hoping some sort of pep talk wasn’t coming. That would only make the sight of him even more excruciating.

When she saw who was with Shuya, she froze. Of course, it was Noriko, a bag of her signature cookies in her hand – extremely predictable. Come on, she’d been coming in with that kind expression and the exact same recipe, her voice soft and shy since the seventh grade. Didn’t she have _anything_ new by now? Mitsuko would never admit it, but she somewhat missed the cookies. They were perfect, just like Noriko was.

However Mitsuko didn’t do perfect.

“These are great, you know,” Shuya said, immediately warranting an eye roll from Mitsuko. _Of course they’re good, idiot,_ she thought. _It’s not like they’ve changed at all since the last hundred times you’ve tried them._

“T-thank you,” still, Noriko stammered, cheeks turning red. Shuya gave her a smile, the type of smile that could light up cities and brighten people’s days, and immediately, she moved into his arms. Mitsuko took it as her time to go, putting away her sketchbook and supplies as quietly as possible.

Before she left, she took one final look back, just in time to see their lips touch. She found herself wishing that she’d never started coming to basketball practice at all.

\---

Ultimately, Mitsuko decided to just say _fuck it_ and go to the party. It beat being alone, and maybe, deep down, she wanted to torture herself a little tonight – not that she’d ever admit it.

The party had started about three hours ago, Mitsuko figured, having a rough idea of when the basketball game ended. She had decided to wait, trying her hardest to make it look like she wasn’t lonely and desperate for something to do, that she’d only turned up because she felt like the party was worthy of her time. She stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom, trying to figure out what she wanted to way. Her eyes were more focused on the crack in the mirror than on her own appearance. She couldn’t remember when exactly she had smashed it, but knew it would have had something to do with her anger.

Her leather jacket was something she hadn’t put on in a while. She had dug it up from underneath a pile of sketchbooks on her chair, deciding to give in tonight instead of wandering around in the cold. Since she wanted to stay away from the crowd, she’d probably be stuck outside for most of the night. The very faint smell of perfume lingered, torturing her as she slipped it on. It was far too sweet, sickly, the type that made sensitive people sneeze – it wasn’t any type of perfume she picked out herself. It was Noriko’s.

The jacket had once been Noriko’s favourite. The thought alone was enough for her to reconsider wearing it, but she stopped herself from taking her off. The jacket had been her own favourite jacket long before Noriko had ever laid eyes on it, so what was the point of taking it off? She smiled slightly at her reflection. The jacket made the outfit. She realised that it went perfectly with the skirt, which stayed in her mind for a moment before a memory came to mind. A memory she would gladly wipe from her mind permanently if she got the chance.

She wore that skirt at the last party she attended. It had been the party that had changed everything for good.

_Mitsuko was the last girl anyone would think was the type to cry at parties. Usually, she wasn’t, even when she was so drunk she could barely stand and Yoshimi and Hirono basically had to drag her home, but tonight seemed to be the exception to the rule. She’d only had a few drinks, barely even tipsy, but she now found herself leaned behind someone’s garden shed instead of inside by the bar where she usually sat at parties, in the perfect position to get as many drinks as she wanted while being able to make fun of the idiotic dancing of her peers. Sitting behind the shed was pathetic enough on its own, but the crying was just the icing on the cake._

_At the very least, they were silent cries, not those loud obnoxious sobs that would no doubt gather at least a little attention and make her look even more pathetic. This was bad enough, her body lightly shaking as more tears rolled down her cheeks, her makeup along with it. Worst of all, she didn’t even exactly know_ why _she was crying. It had just happened, and she’d ended up here to try and preserve as much as her dignity as she could._

_Fingers shaking, she had attempted to light herself a cigarette, hoping that one would help her feel numb for at least a little while, but it quickly became obvious that she would no doubt burn herself if she kept crying. She put the package away in the pocket of her jacket – not that she would really call it a jacket, it was far too thin and did nothing to protect her from the cold; she couldn’t be bothered to go looking for a proper jacket before she left the house – and leaned her head against the shed again, allowing herself to close her eyes. The tears kept falling, but at least her cries still remained rather silent. It was unlikely she would be found._

_At least she felt as if she could hold the beer beside her without risking the bottle smashing all over the place. She took a few sips, letting out a small sigh, but she couldn’t help but wish she had something stronger with her. Maybe it would help a little. She knew that it wouldn’t_ really _, but for the time being it would do something, at least. It always helped for a little while, but in the long run, created more problems than there had been in the first place._

_So, sticking to beer for now it was. She placed the bottle back down on the ground after having a few more sips, not even sure if she was in the mood to drink anymore. It was just another way to pass the time, a way that seemed a bit more credible than crying. As more tears dripped down her face, she went to grab the bottle again, but she almost dropped it in shock at the sound of someone’s voice._

_“S-Souma? Is that you?”_

_Mitsuko recognised the voice immediately, not knowing that if the sound of it made her feel better, or worse. On one hand, it was a good thing that if anyone had found her, it was this person, as they weren’t the type to laugh at her or judge her. At the same time, she felt lower than ever. The fact that_ Noriko Nakagawa _of all people, a girl she had felt very little towards since the beginning of junior high, who she had gone after and bullied for a substantial period of time, was here seeing her cried managed to make her feel even worse about herself._

_It was quite surprising to see Noriko at a party, though. That initial shock gave her enough energy to give her a reply that ended up being more than the planned ‘go away.’_

_“What are you doing here, Nakagawa?” Mitsuko had snapped at her. Noriko didn’t seem to take this as an invitation to leave. She simply took a seat down on the grass beside her, fixing her skirt afterwards – it was_ Noriko _, the girl just_ had _to look perfect all the time – and waited._

_“I just wanted to go outside for a while. Clear my mind,” Noriko said. That was enough for Mitsuko to know that Noriko was still quite a stranger to parties. If she had been in a better state of mind, she probably would have laughed at her. “I saw someone behind here, and I wanted to see if they were all right.”_

_Mitsuko couldn’t help but roll her eyes. That was Noriko for you – always thinking of others, even in the middle of a party. She didn’t know how one could possibly care that much, but couldn’t help but wonder if Noriko’s caring didn’t seem that out of the ordinary to anyone else. Maybe she just found her mindfulness of others odd because she didn’t care about anyone at all?_

_“Well, I’m fine,” Mitsuko said. There was just enough light for Noriko to probably be able to see she had been crying, so her words didn’t hold a lot of power. She was tempted to wipe her eyes with her sleeve, but decided against it ultimately. If Noriko hadn’t noticed she was crying yet, she most definitely would then. “You can go now. Back to your friends. They must be here with you.”_

_Noriko chewed on her lip, keeping her eyes on the girl. She moved slightly closer to her, leaning her head on the shed as well. She wasn’t leaving anytime soon. Mitsuko was surprised – wouldn’t Noriko_ respect _that she wanted her to go away? It seemed like she always went along with what everyone said._

 _“Yeah, they’re inside,” Noriko said with a shrug._ Finally, _Mitsuko had thought to herself –_ she’s going to leave me in peace. _But it wasn’t that simple. “But I don’t want to leave you here. You’re obviously upset.”_

_“I said I’m fine,” Mitsuko said, her words a little strained this time. “Even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be your problem to deal with. We don’t even like each other.”_

_“You might not like me, but I think you’re okay,” Noriko said, giving her a small, unsure smile. “I… I know you say things sometimes. You don’t mean them – I can tell. You have a bad day, and it’s easier to take it out on someone else. If we got to know each other, maybe we could even be friends.”_

_This time, Mitsuko actually managed a laugh. She attempted to picture the scenario in her mind, but to no avail. It just seemed too ridiculous, so much that even her mind refused to conjure up a picture of that would be like. It was probably what Noriko wanted, to get her to engage in some sort of conversation with her, but Mitsuko couldn’t help but reply with something. For now, telling her to ‘go away’ was completely forgotten about._

_“_ Us _, be_ friends _? Don’t be stupid, Nakagawa. That would never happen,” Mitsuko scoffed. “It could never happen.”_

_“You never know what can happen. Maybe one day… or maybe even tonight. Just for tonight,” Noriko said. Mitsuko raised an eyebrow at the last part, not exactly sure what the girl meant. “It looks like you need a friend, Souma. I can be that tonight… if you want. No one has to know that I was ever here with you – I won’t tell anyone.”_

_“I don’t think it’ll make any difference if I_ do _tell you to fuck off, so whatever,” Mitsuko muttered. Noriko would get sick of hanging around with her soon enough. She’d give it fifteen minutes minimum. In the end, everyone got sick of her. It was just how life had went for Mitsuko, and it was better if she just told herself to get used to it._

_Noriko dug around in the small bag she had with her, the rustling the only sound other than the dull thumping of music in the background for several minutes. She produced something from it gently, but Mitsuko didn’t bother to look at what it was. When she felt something touching her face, she instinctively flinched, hitting her head hard on the back of the shed._

_“I’m sorry!” Noriko exclaimed, feeling rather embarrassed with herself . “A-are you okay? I was just going to wipe your eyes…”_

_“Whatever,” Mitsuko muttered, trying to hide how uncomfortable she was as Noriko wiped her tears. She could sense questions were coming, so she used most of her entry to ready herself, preparing standard answers in her mind._

_“Did anything happen?” Noriko asked her, sitting back beside her again. Her kind words only made Mitsuko frustrated. How could Noriko do it? How could she be so nice to her, despite all the rumours she must have heard at school – the bulk of them at least true in some way – and witnessing how horrible she’d been to their classmates? She was just so…_ good.

_“I don’t fucking know,” Mitsuko said. When she realised what she’d said, much different from what she’d planned in her head, she began to panic inside._

_“I… I understand. Sometimes you can get a little upset for no reason. It’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Noriko said to her quietly. The small smile she gave her managed to make Mitsuko angrier and happier at the same time. “I hope you feel better soon though, Souma. I don’t want to see you like this.”_

_“You must be getting some sort of satisfaction out of this, Nakagawa. You don’t have to pretend to be nice,” Mitsuko snapped. A few tears fell again, which she quickly wiped away with the sleeve of her jacket. Now that Noriko had noticed, there was no point in trying to hide her tears. “I’m not a likeable person, and I’m perfectly happy with that.”_

_“Of course this isn’t satisfying!” Noriko frowned. Mitsuko had to admit it was the loudest she had ever heard Noriko speak. When she continued on, however, her voice returned to its usual softness. “I… I never thought you were really that bad, Souma. I can see something in you, something that other people don’t see. I’m not even sure you can see it sometimes.”_

_“Nakagawa, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” This didn’t happen. Mitsuko was insistent about this fact. People did not see potential in her – especially not picture perfect girls like Noriko, who was supposed to be inside right now with her friends, not here with the school’s loser._

_“I hope you can see it one day,” Noriko said again. She moved a little closer to her, but Mitsuko decided not to move away. When her hands brushed her own, she didn’t flinch. “I meant it when I never thought you were that bad, Souma. What you show on the outside is different to what’s on the inside. I… I like to make my own opinions about people. I like to see_ them _.”_

_“You don’t even know me, Nakagawa,” Mitsuko felt herself crying again. The difference was that this time, she actually did know the reason why._

_“That could change,” Noriko said quietly. Mitsuko reached up to wipe her eyes again, but the tears kept crying. Now, she felt like a bomb that was about to go off. Now that she actually felt like she had a reason to cry, she felt more overwhelmed than she did before._

_“Shut up! Just shut up, okay?! You don’t know anything. You don’t… you don’t…”_

_Mitsuko cut herself off, knowing that if she kept on going, things were just going to get worse. Instead, she panicked more than she did all night. She found herself leaning into Noriko, cupping her face and pulling her into a kiss. Most surprisingly, before she even properly realised what she was doing, Noriko kissed her back, then promptly wiped her tears away again, this time with her fingers. Mitsuko didn’t mind too much._

That had truly been the moment everything had gone to hell. It didn’t seem like it yet, but looking back on it, Mitsuko knew. If it wasn’t for that kiss, everything would be completely different now. She couldn’t blame Noriko, though. She had been the one to kiss her first. At the time, she hadn’t thought about it deeply. It was nothing much.

But, all actions do have some sort of consequence.

\---

 _Before the great kiss incident that had occurred that weekend, Mitsuko swore that she had never noticed Noriko being around that much before. Sure, they shared the same class, but still, unless she was actively looking for her to make fun of her, she never seemed to notice her that much in a day. On that Monday after the kiss, however, Noriko seemed to be_ everywhere _. She found herself looking over at her while she waited for Hirono and Yoshimi in the morning, scribbling feverishly in a notebook. Her eyes wandered over to her desk in class, her paying perfect attention to the class as a girl that was good like Noriko was expected to. She kept staring at her during lunch, to the point where Hirono had poked her in the side and asked her if she was even on the same planet as them anymore._

_In short, Mitsuko was acting like an idiot. She was sure of it._

_When the school day ended, Mitsuko was more than ready to get out, hoping that when she came back tomorrow, she could finally get her emotions in order again. The kiss had been quite surprising, a lot better than she had expected from someone like Noriko, but it wasn’t anything to go crazy about. Ultimately, it was going to mean nothing. Noriko did not go out with people like Mitsuko. Mitsuko did not go out with people_ at all. _It couldn’t mean anything but_ nothing _._

_She was alone when she left school, walking down the hallway with ease, everyone knowing her well enough to know it was in their best interest to let her pass. Yoshimi, as expected, had gone off with Yoji, while Hirono had to pick her brother up from a school event, complaining about it ever since the bell had gone. Mitsuko was happy with being alone, at least for this short period of time. It gave her time to gather her thoughts. She didn’t want to be alone for good, but inevitably, it would happen. But it wasn’t something she’d worry about now. She’d sort out the situation when it came._

_A hand reached out to tap her on the shoulder when she passed one of the empty classrooms. When Mitsuko stopped to see who wanted her attention, she realised the classroom was where Noriko ran her small, after school poetry club. Why had she ever bothered to remember a detail like_ that _about the girl?_

_Noriko herself was standing there, cheeks flushing pink as Mitsuko turned around. She gently took her hand and lead her into the classroom without a word, shutting the door behind her._

_“What the hell do you want, Nakagawa?” Mitsuko tried her hardest to keep her voice down, not wanting anyone to catch them together, but her anger seemed determined to reign supreme._

_“I want to talk,” Noriko said. While Mitsuko had already connected the dots, Noriko quickly added, “about what happened on Saturday night. The kiss.”_

_“What about it? If you wanted to tell me I’m good, I already know,” Mitsuko said, trying to treat the situation as casually as possible, “and yeah, no, I’m not giving out lessons. Well, at least not to you.”_

_To Mitsuko’s surprise, Noriko actually let out a laugh at her comment. It managed to make her feel a little more comfortable in her presence, enough to shrug her bag down on the ground and take a seat on one of the tables. Noriko remained standing, bag slung across her shoulder as she leaned casually against the wall. Mitsuko realised that Noriko looked quite nice standing there, her one of those girls that was effortlessly beautiful, but she quickly tried to get rid of the thought. It wasn’t going to help at all._

_“No, no, I didn’t want to talk about the kiss in_ that _way,” Noriko softly laughed again, “I wanted to talk to you about… what comes next.”_

_In Mitsuko’s mind, she’d had it all planned out since she woke up the day after the party, after she’d fully comprehended the fact she’d kissed Noriko Nakagawa. That plan did not include anything actually coming next._

_“What do you mean?” Mitsuko frowned. She reached down to grab her bag, resting it gently on her lap, just in case she needed to leave quickly in the next few minutes._

_“I meant what I said, that night. I do see something in you that no one else does, and I think that… well, that kiss could really be the start of something. Something great,” Noriko took a step closer to her, now holding out a hand for her to take, “so what I was wondering was… would you be willing to give me – give_ this _a chance?”_

_Mitsuko couldn’t help it. Immediately, her thoughts went to the worst. Something was up. Noriko didn’t seem to be the type to play games and mess with people – especially not people like Mitsuko – but looks could deceive. Maybe -  as Noriko was so adamant about saying about her - there was something about her that she saw that everyone else kept on missing._

_“Come on, Nakagawa. Don’t play with me. It isn’t going to work,” Mitsuko rolled her eyes, getting up off the table. She gripped the strap of her bag so tightly her hand burned, knowing that any time now would probably be the right time to get out. “I know, what happened between us was weird and other people may find it a little amusing that_ we _of all people shared a kiss at a party, but don’t even try. I’m not someone that you can play games with, so just leave me alone. We never have to speak to each other again. Hell, we probably won’t even see each other once high school hits.”_

_“Souma…” Noriko’s eyes were filled with confusion, but Mitsuko wasn’t fully convinced, especially since she herself was such a good liar. She knew every trick in the book – hell, she probably invented a few of them herself. “I really do mean it. I want you to give me a chance. I don’t care what anyone says. We… we don’t even have to say anything to our friends. We can just keep it to ourselves for now.”_

_The words Noriko said this time did make Mitsuko a little more convinced, she had to admit. She could believe that Noriko could keep a secret. Out of everyone Noriko hanged around with, she was probably the one she’d come the closest to trusting if she absolutely had to. She wasn’t known to be a gossip, and it didn’t really seem to fit with the type of person Noriko was anyway._

_“Okay, I kind of believe you, but I still don’t get it. Why would you want to bother with me, Nakagawa?” Mitsuko asked, moving a little closer to her. She loosened her grip on her bag, not feeling like running as much anymore. “I have absolutely nothing to offer you. All I do is steal, lie and cheat, and get drunk on the weekend. I have no future. My grades are shit. I’m a bitch. I have nothing that you could possibly want.”_

_“It isn’t about that. With that kiss… I could_ feel _something. It meant something. Even if you don’t think it did, I felt something and I’ve been thinking about it ever since,” Noriko was a little quieter now, as if she’d finally realised that someone may still be around to catch them together. “It wouldn’t hurt to give it a try, would it?”_

_Mitsuko knew that wasn’t the case. Even if they only tried it out for a day, it was still going to hurt one of them. She didn’t do this. She didn’t know how to do this. Dating was reserved for the desperate, – Yoshimi was the first that came to mind – or the boring and predictable – Sakura Ogawa and Kazuhiko Yamamoto fit into this category, she decided. Everyone knew that Mitsuko didn’t fit either of these categories._

_Loving someone, or attempting to love someone, was a lot of work, and most definitely would end in disaster. Mitsuko had decided a long time that any type of love was not going to work out for her and as a result, it would be best to remain indifferent to it. Now, Noriko was threatening to ruin everything. While she tried to deny it, she knew that the girl was somewhat right – she_ had _felt something during that kiss as well._

_“What will it take to shut you up?” was what Mitsuko decided to go with. She felt as if she was digging her own grave, but she couldn’t back out now. “Giving you a chance? Fine. But when it doesn’t work out, we never have to speak of it again, okay? And no one will know.”_

_Noriko nodded, considering those terms acceptable enough. She was just surprised that Mitsuko had actually decided to give her a chance. After a brief exchanging of numbers, the two parted ways, Noriko heading out first. Mitsuko stayed in the classroom for a little longer, eyes fixed aimlessly on the chalkboard, wondering what the hell was going to happen next._

Giving Noriko a chance had been the dumbest thing Mitsuko had ever done. Well, up until this point. Standing outside Noriko’s house, staring up at the place from the well-kept lawn as she mustered up the courage to get herself in the door now took the honour. It had been an awful idea to come, but the idea of turning back and going home with absolutely nothing to do seemed even worse. So, she decided to stay there, taking a deep breath as the sound of the music inside pumped inside her head and people walked past her, barely noticing she was there.

 _See? They’re getting on with your life, so you should do the same. It’s just a damn party. You’ve been to tons of them before._ With her harsh words to herself fresh in her mind, she walked up to the door, slipping in inside behind someone else. She didn’t bother to notice if she recognised them. More than anything, she was more focused on the fact of not being recognised herself. So far, she’d managed to get in the door without Noriko coming up to her, so that was a bonus.

The first order of business was finding the alcohol. Sure, it was a party thrown by _Noriko_ , but considering the girl had brains, she’d sure as hell know that if she wanted a crowd – having a boyfriend on the basketball game be damned – she’d need to have some good stuff. She kept her head down as she searched for Noriko’s kitchen, the directions still rather fresh in her mind despite the fact she hadn’t been inside her home for years. Every now and then she bumped into someone, but they never bothered to apologise, going on with their lives. Mitsuko didn’t care. This was a circumstance where she was more than happy to be invisible.

Sure enough, the alcohol was situated on the kitchen table. The fact that the bottles were still lined up in near-perfect rows, no doubt organised by Noriko, let her know that the party must have been only going on for three hours tops. She picked a bottle of something strong and quickly poured herself a drink, knowing it would be in her best interest to get out of the kitchen as soon as possible, as it wouldn’t stay empty for long.

As she placed the bottle down on the counter again, she heard the voice behind her. Soft, sweet, sincere. A voice that hadn’t spoken to her in two years, since that disaster of a day in the rain. She probably wouldn’t have spoken to her if she knew who it was. _Noriko._

“Hey. I saw you come in, but I didn’t get a chance to say hello. I hope you’re enjoying yourself.”

A part of her was surprised that Noriko didn’t recognise her. After all, she was wearing what had been her favourite jacket. _Am I really that forgettable?_ But Mitsuko couldn’t really blame her. She’d probably chosen to forget about her – as best as she possibly could – on purpose.

Slowly, Mitsuko turned around, willing herself to look Noriko in the eye. She hadn’t been brave enough to the last time they had spoken. She just looked at her for a moment, watching as the sight of her sank in, how Noriko tried to hide her conflicting emotions, keeping a smile pasted on her face despite the fact that inside, she was screaming. Mitsuko could easily tell his. Her eyes didn’t lie.

“Hey,” Mitsuko took a long sip from her cup, knowing it was likely to be her last one of the night, “I can gladly escort myself out if you want.”

This time, Noriko let her true emotions show, even if it was just for a split second. A small frown. It still managed to make her heart race. It showed that she couldn’t just pretend to feel nothing at the sight of her. _Come on, make a scene,_ Mitsuko said internally, fighting a smirk from appearing on her lips. _Tell me to get out. Come on. You must still be angry. After all, nothing really got properly resolved that day, did it?_

Since Noriko was well, Noriko, none of Mitsuko’s thoughts came to fruition. Instead, she just gave the girl she’d once been well-acquainted with a small, pained smile, and a shake of her head.

“No, no, it’s all right. Stay,” Noriko said to her, voice softer than usual. “After all, this party is for everyone. I… I hope you have a nice night.”

Mitsuko gave her a look as if to say, ‘you too,’ and Noriko quickly left. When she did, she felt an ache inside, but at the same time, she could breathe a little. The interaction had been nothing much, but she had still done it. She’d managed to actually speak to Noriko for the first time in years, something she never thought she’d do again.

She took another sip from her cup, hearing the sound of the front door opening and numerous voices, indicating she should leave the kitchen. With her head down, eyes on the liquid in the cup, she departed, trying to figure out where she should make herself invisible for the rest of the night.

\---

Upstairs seemed like the safest option. When the coast was clear, Mitsuko slipped upstairs and began to walk through the hallway, holding her cup tightly. No one really came upstairs in the first few hours of a party – when everyone was wasted, yeah, it was a different story, but for now she’d be fine to wander around, undetected. She’d probably be gone by the time everyone was really drunk, anyway, already deciding she was probably only going to stay for two and a half hours tops. She took another sip as she passed the bathroom and the linen closet, taking time to stop and look at the pictures on the wall. She knew the stories behind them, for the most part. Noriko had seemed quite eager to talk in the mere month and a half they’d been whatever they were, so she’d learned a lot about her.

The most pathetic part was that she could remember every little detail. Noriko had nothing, she knew that. The only _deep_ fact she could get out of her was probably her favourite colour. She’d kept herself closed off, knowing that opening up was a huge risk, and not one she was willing to take. With how everything had gone, she was glad now that she’d kept quiet. Noriko would never use anything against her, but she hated the thought of her feeling as if she really _knew_ her.

When she reached the end of the hallway, she found herself face to face with Noriko’s door. She could remember exactly what the room looked like, – or at least _used_ to look like – painted a pale shade of pink, her poems stuck to the walls. Everything, from her closet to her desk, was arranged neatly. It was just a perfect picture of Noriko, who she was, what she liked, what made her _Noriko._ Mitsuko had to admit that for quite a while, it had been one of her favourite places to be.

Mitsuko couldn’t help but laugh to herself as she gripped the door handle, finding the door was locked. Imagine what everyone at school would say if they knew about all the time they’d spent together? She wasn’t sure if they’d laugh, finding the thought absolutely ridiculous, or if they’d be horrified. Girls like Noriko didn’t hang out with – let alone _make out with_ – girls like herself. It was an unspoken rule, yet they’d both been more than happy breaking it.

At least, for a while. Mitsuko leaned her head against the door, hearing the faint sounds of laughter from downstairs, and let her mind wander.

 _They had to pass the time_ somehow _while they waited for the cookies to bake._

_By this point, Mitsuko had been giving Noriko a chance for over a month by now, and it really wasn’t all that bad. Sure, at times it was absolutely terrifying, but in the moment, most of the time she could manage to push the thoughts away, only letting them consume her when she was alone. Now was definitely one of the times where it was easy to let her mind go blank._

_Her arms were wrapped around Noriko’s waist as she continued to kiss her, letting the soft pillows strewn around them dig into her sides. The taste of her lips was addicting, a particular blend of the girl’s favourite type of lip-gloss and sugar, courtesy of the cookie dough they’d placed in the oven only about seven minutes prior. To be perfectly honest, she felt as if she could do this forever and not get sick of her. This thing with Noriko was quite unexpected, but she found it had turned out to mostly be worth her time… and incredibly intoxicating._

_As she fiddled with one of the buttons of Noriko’s shirt, Noriko broke the kiss to catch her breath. She looked at her, eyes shining as she tried to get her breath back, with a half-smile that Mitsuko had to admit was one of the prettiest smiles she’d ever seen in her life. When she finally got her breath back, she leaned in and kissed her one more time before pulling away again, a proper smile on her face._ That _had to be the prettiest smile she had ever seen in her life._

_Then, Noriko spoke. The words were not something that were going to be forgotten._

_“I love you.”_

_Mitsuko pulled away from the girl, recoiling so suddenly it was as if she had been burned. She sat up on the bed, back turned to the girl as she searched around for her bag, heart racing. The only thing on her mind were thoughts of getting out. She couldn’t stay after this. Everything had gone wrong – so completely wrong, and after this, nothing could be the same. Those words made everything serious. Those words made_ them _serious._

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._

_“I have to go,” Mitsuko said, retrieving her bag from where it had been hastily thrown on the ground. She quickly left Noriko’s room, hearing her voice calling after her to come back, rushing down the stairs after her as she straightened out her shirt. Mitsuko was more experienced with running away than Noriko was at running after someone, however, so Mitsuko was out the front door before Noriko had even reached the bottom of the stairs._

_The front door still hung open. In her desperation to leave, Mitsuko had completely forgotten about shutting it. Noriko peered out, eyes filled with tears and her whole body filled with panic, watching as the girl disappeared from view. It was too late to ask her what was wrong, she’d never catch up now. She also knew, despite the fact she’d never been in this situation before, that when someone ran off like that, they probably wanted to be alone for a while._

_Still, while she knew Mitsuko probably needed some space, Noriko couldn’t leave it like this. It had only been a few minutes, but she was already craving her company again. She just wanted things to be okay. She had messed up, she knew that – what was she thinking, saying ‘I love you’ like that, so, so early? There was more to it than that, but it was nothing Noriko had any idea about. She’d never have any idea about it._

_Hands shaking, she pulled out her phone and tried to figure out something to send. She couldn’t leave them in silence. Considering the fact they avoided one another at school, not wanting their friends to become suspicious in any way, if she didn’t do anything now, they wouldn’t speak in any sort of way for much too long. If she didn’t do something now, maybe things wouldn’t end up being fixed at all?_

_She decided on a message ten minutes later. It wasn’t perfect, but it was all she could come up with that at least_ somewhat _sounded right._

**_[Noriko Nakagawa: i’m sorry. can we talk later? i don’t want to leave things like this.]_ **

_Noriko stared down at her phone, hands continuing to stare as she waited desperately for a reply. She only put it away when she heard the timer in the kitchen go off – with all that had happened in the minutes they’d been baking, she’d almost forgotten about them. Now, she didn’t even feel like them anymore, but she wasn’t going to let them go to waste. She couldn’t let anyone know anything was wrong._

_As she went to get some boxes for the cookies, her phone finally beeped. What she saw on the screen made her heart smash into pieces._

**_[Mitsuko Souma: we don’t need to talk. none of this meant anything.]_ **

Thinking of that day never did anything good for Mitsuko. She felt tears fill her eyes as she leaned her head against Noriko’s door, trying her hardest to pull herself out of the memory. She wasn’t going to spend another damn party crying – that was what had gotten her here in the first place. In one regard, she was following in the footsteps of the night by choosing to go outside, but she wasn’t going to end up like she had then. She just needed some air, and the outside probably wouldn’t be as crowded.

She crept downstairs, finding herself relatively unnoticed amongst what had to be the majority of the eleventh grade in Noriko’s house. A few people bashed into her as she manoeuvred her way through the living room, but they just continued on – gone were the days where someone would be terrified to get in her way – but she really didn’t mind. At times like these, it was for the best to fade into the background.

When her eyes fell on the couch, she felt herself freeze, feeling incredibly stupid for doing so. But she couldn’t stop it. All she could do was stare over at the basketball team, laughing and joking together, drinks in most of their hands. Noriko sat in the centre of them, Shuya’s arms wrapped around her, looking as if she had never been happier in her life. Briefly, the two shared a kiss and in that moment, she told herself she should look away, but she didn’t.

 _You fucking moron. If you had played your cards differently, it could be_ you _up there with her._ It was such a dumb thought, she knew that. Never in a million years would they have ever worked out, made things public and ended up being _that_ couple that everyone was rooting for. She had just put an end to things before they could get _too close._ At least, Shuya wouldn’t break her heart. Noriko deserved better than her, and he could offer that.

Still, it was just so damn predictable. Ever since junior high it had been predicted that Shuya and Noriko would end up dating at some point. It would have been somewhat… interesting if the two of them had ended up together. It would have shaken things up a little. No one in a million years would ever see _Noriko Nakagawa_ and _Mitsuko Souma_ ending up together. There was no point in thinking of what could have been now. It was over, Noriko wanted nothing to do with her, and she should just consider herself lucky that the girl didn’t ask her to leave as soon as she laid eyes on her.

Noriko’s eyes met with hers for a brief moment, and Mitsuko felt her heart racing the way it had back then, with every kiss, touch, gaze or moment of laughter that they experienced together. She couldn’t let the feelings stick around for long. With a small sigh, she quickly looked away and decided to make a detour to the kitchen before heading outside. Some things really couldn’t be done without a drink.

\---

_Mitsuko had done her best to ignore the existence of Noriko Nakagawa since the day she’d had to say those three dreaded words. It had been hard at first. She had been so used to stealing a glimpse at her from afar when she knew Hirono and Yoshimi wouldn’t catch her, indulging in their secret, or having someone to talk to at night, the pinging of her phone reminding her that while sometimes it felt like it, she wasn’t completely alone. Eventually, she’d managed to block her out again, ignoring her calls and texts, suggesting she and her gang sit somewhere else at lunch – there were too many losers around them, she used as an excuse – and changing directions whenever she saw her in the hallway._

_Largely, Noriko Nakagawa herself had been forgotten, but the effect she had on her deep inside hadn’t. She still craved her kisses, but more so how she had made her feel like she was really_ something _,_ someone _– for reasons that for once had absolutely nothing to do with her body. It was what made her love her and hate her at the same time. She wasn’t supposed to love her. Mitsuko wasn’t supposed to feel like she was loved, or feel as if she may possibly be able to love someone at all one day. The time with Noriko had completely defied everything she thought she ever knew about herself, and the quicker those new facts were forgotten the better._

_It was Friday afternoon, and just as her class had been dismissed for the day, rain had begun to pour. Yoshimi had gone off with Yoji, sharing an umbrella with him, while Hirono quickly cleared off with her own, no doubt stolen one. Mitsuko didn’t really mind walking home in the rain – it was just a little water. She started her trip home across town, the rain dripping down her face, soaking her rumpled school blazer, and largely, she was alone with her own thoughts, accompanied by the dull sound of music in her ears._

_Well, until Noriko arrived._

_“Wait!” Noriko called out to her. At least, she’d had the decency to wait until they were out of the paths of their classmates to confront her. Mitsuko’s first instinct was too run, but it was too wet to try – she didn’t want to end up breaking a bone over trying to get away from_ Noriko _of all people._

_“What is it?” Mitsuko forced herself to stop, pulling out her earbuds as she turned around to face the girl. God, she looked devastated. It was the text, she knew that. That fucking text. It was true though. Their time together had meant nothing – at least, it was supposed to mean nothing._

_“I wanted to talk to you,” Noriko said, finally catching up to her. Mitsuko prepared herself for what was going to come out of her mouth next, holding back from saying the words for her, “the text.”_

_“What about it?” At this point, she just wanted to get away. Seeing Noriko again was bringing back everything, and she didn’t know whether to accept her feelings or give into the feelings of absolute terror. None of this was supposed to happen, and the sooner this ended – for good – the better._

_“Is… is this the end? I just want to know,” Noriko’s voice was soft and shaky, and for the first time, Mitsuko was actually having second thoughts about using her words as weapons. But some things, as painful as they were, had to be done. “Did you mean what you said in the text? I… I really thought we had something. When you gave me a chance, I was the happiest I’d been in quite a while. This may sound stupid to you but… I thought it was a sign.”_

_“Making out with someone a few times doesn’t mean that you have something special, Nakagawa,” Mitsuko said, words easily heard despite the heavy rain they heard in. It was an absolute insult to reduce what they’d had to that, but it made things easier. “You can get that with anyone, you know.”_

_“Are… are you serious?” Noriko’s eyes widened. Immediately, Mitsuko could see how much she’d hurt her – she wasn’t good at hiding these things. “So you meant every word you said in that text?”_

_“Yes, I meant what I said, okay?” Mitsuko let her frustration take over, raising her voice ever so slightly. Her eyes were filled with ice. “What we_ had _– well, what you_ think _we had, meant nothing. Absolutely nothing, all right? You don’t love me. You aren’t supposed to love me. I sure as hell don’t love you.”_

_It was a lie, the biggest fucking lie she had ever told in her whole life, but it was too late to take it back now. The damage had been done. Noriko’s eyes filled with tears that quickly spilled over onto her cheeks, dripping down her face. She made no move to wipe them away, her eyes fixed on Mitsuko as she tried to process what she had said. Had that exchange really happened?_

_Mitsuko just gave her a nod and continued to walk, leaving her standing in the rain, alone. Once she had left her entirely behind, she wished more than ever that she could take it all back. But it was much too late now._

“Hey, can I have one?”

The sound of someone’s voice pulled Mitsuko from the painful memory, startling her so much that she’d almost toppled off the swing that she sat on. The swing set had belonged to Noriko’s brother, she had recalled, and was far enough from most of the action of the party. She’d thought she’d be safe here, left perfectly alone, but someone had found her. From the way he had sounded so absolutely defeated, she figured the boy wanted to be left alone too.

Figuring he wanted one of her cigarettes, the pack clasped tightly in one hand, her drink in the other, she went to offer him one, but first wanted to see who it was. The boy had grown up considerably since she had last saw him, – or had at least somewhat taken note of his existence – face stronger, eyes harder, and hair the slightest little longer. He looked a far cry from the awkward boy he’d been in junior high. While she’d still never seriously consider him a catch in a million years, she had to admit that Yoshitoki Kuninobu had cleaned up rather well.

“Really, Kuninobu? You want a smoke?” Mitsuko rolled her eyes. Still, she offered him one. Maybe seeing him choking and spluttering on cigarette smoke could bring a little bit of humour to her night.

“Look, it’s been a night, okay?” Yoshitoki took the lighter when she gave it to him. He looked a little awkward at first, coughing a little, but he seemed to get used to it rather quickly. Mitsuko followed his gaze, wondering what could possibly be bothering _him_ tonight, and saw his gaze in an all too familiar place – Noriko and Shuya. The two now sat outside, still in each other’s arms, chatting to a group of Noriko’s friends from one of the clubs she was part of. Mitsuko quickly looked away.

“You’re still after Nakagawa after all this time?” Mitsuko muttered, recalling his pathetic junior high crush. Even after the awful day that had torn them apart for good, she still figured she had more of a chance than Yoshitoki did with her. “Rough. Can’t exactly compete with your best friend, unless you seriously want to fuck things up.”

 _Well, you can’t fuck anything up more than I did._ That part was left unsaid.

“It… it’s not her, really. I realised towards the end of junior high I’d been fooling myself all along,” Yoshitoki mumbled, his gaze still fixed on the couple. Mitsuko was not a stupid girl by any means, quickly connecting the dots. A small laugh escaped her lips. How the hell had she possibly missed it?

“Nanahara. Of course,” Mitsuko extinguished her own cigarette, crunching it under her boots, mashing it into the grass until she was sure it was almost completely unrecognisable. “How the hell had everyone managed to miss that back then?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s too late,” Yoshitoki shrugged, finally looking away. It hurt, but he would never, ever attempt to ruin Shuya and Noriko’s happiness. Seeing them happy meant the world to him, and he’d try his hardest to push his own feelings aside.

“I know the feeling,” by this point, Mitsuko didn’t even  care if he caught on to what she said. By morning, she’d probably be forgotten, a tiny detail overlooked through by the time the party came to a close. Even if he remembered, he probably wouldn’t say anything – he wouldn’t want to upset his _dearest friends._ “When you’re too late, the best thing to do is to try your hardest to move on.”

Yoshitoki nodded solemnly, and things were then quiet between them, the sounds from the party bouncing around in their heads. Mitsuko stuck around for a while, smoking a few cigarettes and getting through her drink, but once it was gone, there was no chance that she was going to stick around to make pitiful small talk.

“Well, I’m gonna go now,” Mitsuko got up from the swing. She tossed him her pack of smokes and lighter, which he barely caught in the dark. “Maybe this will give you something to do other than moping.”

Quietly, having no idea what else to say, Yoshitoki thanked her. Mitsuko just shrugged as she walked off, deciding that instead of going back for another drink, she was just going to leave altogether. She couldn’t help but get the feeling that, despite the fact she had barely spoken to or seen anyone while she was there, she’d outstayed her welcome. No one was going to miss her.

She deposited her cup on a table as she prepared to enter the house again, formulating a plan in her head to get out as quickly as she could without drawing attention to herself. Head down, she pushed open the door, stepping into the warmth of Noriko’s home, hearing the thumping of loud music around her. Everyone was busy. It would be easy to make a quick exit.

She felt someone bump into her from the back as she zipped up her jacket, instinctively looking around to see who it was. Of course, she had to be staring into _her_ perfect, beautiful brown eyes.

“Are you heading out?” she asked, her voice soft. Just barely, Mitsuko could detect some sort of sadness. She gave her a small nod. “All right. Thank you for coming.”

“It was nothing much,” Mitsuko nodded.

After all, that was all they were ever going to be.


End file.
